Feel like crying~
Seriously, when you feel like crying, you should start crying. It is not that you are ashamed by yourself and admitted your weakness. It is just that you need to let go of what you felt inside.
Sometimes when you get too comfort with peoples' surround you, you tend to be linen with your emotions. Sometimes too, they get overflowed with happiness: not until one day you realized it is just a bunch of bullshit and a liar.
Hahaha.. Then, what am I supposed to do? Feeling down as if there are no tomorrow? Please.. That's so not like me. I have plans for my future (repeat that back to myself).. I have plans and I need to strive to be success. I cannot let myself stuck with all those feelings that doesnt even worth considering. Am I fool for believing what I'd heard? Not what I see. Or truthfully needs to see. What a bad jokes that keeps playing inside my head? I need to stop all those bad jokes and concentrates back at myself. I miss my friends. Really needed them right now. I miss my mom. How I wanted to tell her that I love her and how stupid I am for being too trustful at someone. Yeah, I am a bad jokes and I am stupid. Not even considering how I would felt, how hurt I am when anything like this happened. I guard myself too much sometimes I wont even let someone come close to me. I closed my heart as if something bad will happen again. I cant stand being foolish all the time. That's why I'd done something terrible that I regret. But now, am I repeating the same mistakes or I just being selfish. I just cant stand being hurt. Let it be the only scar buried inside my heart that even times cannot heal. I cant afford to have the same scar hurting me. I wont survived that way. I wont be myself again. That's why I am shutting down myself. To my surrounding sometimes. And just let myself happy with the only people that I can trust. My family.
I am shitting at myself, proving that what I had done was wrong and yet I regret what I had done. Seriously I need to get out of this mess. To much pressure on my shoulder. I just need to keep myself clear with my plan. Just dont let others hurt you as much as you have been hurt. Still, I really wanted to cry, but tears wont come out. Just feel how stupid I am containing this feeling inside me. What a foolish person standing there inside of me..~
Chicas, seriously you need to focus. To yourself. And your future.. It just cant help it if you ____ __ ____, but please~!! be strong k. I love you.
Sometimes when you get too comfort with peoples' surround you, you tend to be linen with your emotions. Sometimes too, they get overflowed with happiness: not until one day you realized it is just a bunch of bullshit and a liar.
Hahaha.. Then, what am I supposed to do? Feeling down as if there are no tomorrow? Please.. That's so not like me. I have plans for my future (repeat that back to myself).. I have plans and I need to strive to be success. I cannot let myself stuck with all those feelings that doesnt even worth considering. Am I fool for believing what I'd heard? Not what I see. Or truthfully needs to see. What a bad jokes that keeps playing inside my head? I need to stop all those bad jokes and concentrates back at myself. I miss my friends. Really needed them right now. I miss my mom. How I wanted to tell her that I love her and how stupid I am for being too trustful at someone. Yeah, I am a bad jokes and I am stupid. Not even considering how I would felt, how hurt I am when anything like this happened. I guard myself too much sometimes I wont even let someone come close to me. I closed my heart as if something bad will happen again. I cant stand being foolish all the time. That's why I'd done something terrible that I regret. But now, am I repeating the same mistakes or I just being selfish. I just cant stand being hurt. Let it be the only scar buried inside my heart that even times cannot heal. I cant afford to have the same scar hurting me. I wont survived that way. I wont be myself again. That's why I am shutting down myself. To my surrounding sometimes. And just let myself happy with the only people that I can trust. My family.
I am shitting at myself, proving that what I had done was wrong and yet I regret what I had done. Seriously I need to get out of this mess. To much pressure on my shoulder. I just need to keep myself clear with my plan. Just dont let others hurt you as much as you have been hurt. Still, I really wanted to cry, but tears wont come out. Just feel how stupid I am containing this feeling inside me. What a foolish person standing there inside of me..~
Chicas, seriously you need to focus. To yourself. And your future.. It just cant help it if you ____ __ ____, but please~!! be strong k. I love you.
9:41 AM | | 1 Comments
Just~
Just when I feel like walking straight, I was thinking about turning back. Something had to be done. But where was I before that? Is that someone calling me? Why would I want to turn back? Am I missing something on my way?
A lot of things happened on my way to be someone better. Is that a challenge that I must overcome? I don't know, but I do care about all those things. I just want to keep up with that, but it feels as if my energy have been drained away. Among all those things that happened, one caught my attention straight ahead. Furthering my study to UWA. Just with quite tough IELTS exam, I can finally be there. Having an adventure of a lifetime. But what about other parts of me that will left here where I come from? Yes I do feel stuck in here, but what about others. My family and friends. I love them, so much I feel like I will let them go with my absence. Will my sister get married without me by her side? I would not know. Will my youngest sister score her exam without me being her guide? I would not know. Am I leaving for the best of everyone? Still, the answer would be same.
But I want to go and get that experience. Learn to be matured on my way to get acknowledge by people's around me. I don't really need others' acknowledgment, but to improve the life of my family and I, something should be done. And that something must be interesting. Huu.. I just need more time and effort to work hard on something that I longed for..
A lot of things happened on my way to be someone better. Is that a challenge that I must overcome? I don't know, but I do care about all those things. I just want to keep up with that, but it feels as if my energy have been drained away. Among all those things that happened, one caught my attention straight ahead. Furthering my study to UWA. Just with quite tough IELTS exam, I can finally be there. Having an adventure of a lifetime. But what about other parts of me that will left here where I come from? Yes I do feel stuck in here, but what about others. My family and friends. I love them, so much I feel like I will let them go with my absence. Will my sister get married without me by her side? I would not know. Will my youngest sister score her exam without me being her guide? I would not know. Am I leaving for the best of everyone? Still, the answer would be same.
But I want to go and get that experience. Learn to be matured on my way to get acknowledge by people's around me. I don't really need others' acknowledgment, but to improve the life of my family and I, something should be done. And that something must be interesting. Huu.. I just need more time and effort to work hard on something that I longed for..
7:29 AM | | 0 Comments
Confused~*~
People do confused, dont they.. So do I. How should I begin to explain what's going on.. *sigh*. When I see things, especially everyone that surrounds me (I means my environment), I feel stuck. Mostly, I always get what I want. But not everything - that's so what's life is all about. But sometimes, when I got what I want, I'm getting confused. Is that what I truely want? No.. that's not it. 'Be careful what you wish for' - that's so true.
I remembered my dreams, what I really wanted to be - architect or something that related to comic or art. But as we grow up, we make decisions based on what happened around us. Like I used to be. Do I really had a patient to endure what's going to happen if took that path? I wouldn't have known. Do I meet someone like I meet before on my way to become an adult? Do I really happy with what I got at the moment? I dont really know. But I know for sure, I was glad being this way. I met people that I care. That fills my life. But, when life keeps move on, something feel so distance. Maybe because of our way or maybe because we do apart from each other. Right? Sometimes I do regret the path that I took, but when I realized that it had been lucky for me to take that path, I feel thankful.. Because, it wouldn't be the same, it wouldn't be who I am today.
Human is such a fragile creature. They dont stand being stress, being alone, feeling reluctant. And that's what I am. Am I seriously being alone in my world? I dont know. There is no one out there that understand who I really am, sharing my world. Or actually, I keep that world on my own. And now, selfishly blaming others. I want to go and see the world. I dont want to stuck in tha same place meeting the same people. It just dont worth every second of my life. I want to be part of the history, even if in their history - my friends and family? Do I really being a good person? Did I colour your life? Or I am just a dark cloud waiting to put a storm in your face? How should I know that. I dont know. But I'm sure, I'm not being a good servant for the Almighty. And I'm very sorry for that. Feeling sorry for myself.
When I watch series either anime or drama, those feeling always come. It is like, 'when will my life could be that beautiful?'. It is not that my life that sucks - it is just that something is missing. And I dont know what. I got plans. My life plans. But it is just that they are in black and white. Where the hells are the colour that supposedly added to that. I do feel I am wasting my time, for not truely realized what I want. I dont want to live in constant feeling. Sometime ups and downs are good to make our heart tremble, but, when there's nothing there's to touch, our heart will dry. Sometimes life do feel sucks..~ And I wanted to have something on my own, my personal brand of heroin. When would that happen..? I just dont know.
When I watch series either anime or drama, those feeling always come. It is like, 'when will my life could be that beautiful?'. It is not that my life that sucks - it is just that something is missing. And I dont know what. I got plans. My life plans. But it is just that they are in black and white. Where the hells are the colour that supposedly added to that. I do feel I am wasting my time, for not truely realized what I want. I dont want to live in constant feeling. Sometime ups and downs are good to make our heart tremble, but, when there's nothing there's to touch, our heart will dry. Sometimes life do feel sucks..~ And I wanted to have something on my own, my personal brand of heroin. When would that happen..? I just dont know.
11:50 PM | Labels: Confused..~~ | 1 Comments
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